


So So So So So With It

by nicht_alles_Gold



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Humor, Masturbation, Other, but like not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-14 08:49:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10533012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicht_alles_Gold/pseuds/nicht_alles_Gold
Summary: A fic about habits of jerking it without any actual jerking it, so lower your expectations accordingly. The line "let me help you with that" doesn't show up either, so lower them even further. Now lower your maturity level. Now you're good to go.





	

Noctis was flicking through his phone. Here he was _with_ most all his friends in the world, but there were always more people to look up, statuses to like.

 _Crunch_. _Crunch_. Prompto was scooching his camping chair closer. Noctis tilted the screen away from him.

“Hey man… can I borrow your phone?” The request was accompanied with a suspicious smile, and flickering eyes.

“What's wrong with yours?”

“Oh, you know, the battery's dead.”

“Hm. Charge it overnight.” Noctis leaned on his hand so the screen lit up his face only, and he scrolled (semi-clumsily) with his thumb. “If something important happens, one of us will know.”

“Buuuut,” Prompto whined and leaned closer, clasping his hands together, “You could just, you know. Let me use it _now_? Oh merciful, handsome prince Noctis?”

Noctis's eyes met Prompto's. Skeptical barely described his expression. “What do you need it for?”

“Just. Stuff.” Shrug.

Noctis frowned and turned the screen off. “Doesn't sound too important. Just wait until the morning.”

“Tsk, come _on_ man! Don't make me say it!”

Noctis was about to slip his phone into his pocket and paused. “Say what?”

“I can't ask Gladio or Iggy! Cause I really need to…!” He tilted his head. “You know.”

“No?”

“Nooooct, I dropped it and the screen cracked more! I can't get it fixed and I can't see anything and I… really gotta… you know!”

“Stop saying that.”

His voice dropped to a whisper. “Choke the chocobo.”

“Eww, okay, _never_ say that. Why would I let you borrow it _now_?” As a point, Noctis put it into his pocket as far as it would go, grimacing all the while.

“Because we're friends, and men, and men friends have needs, and stand up for each other.” Prompto sniffed dramatically.

“You know my phone doesn't have any pictures of Cindy on it—”

“DUDE, I don't do that! With that! That's my art!” Prompto grasped at his arm. “Just this once, I'm feeling all wound up and, and-”

Noctis wrenched his arm away, and almost tilted his chair over. Prompto was giving his best sad puppy expression, and Noctis sighed. “Do you have some gloves you can wear?” Prompto pointed both of his constantly gloved hands at each other. “Okay, nevermind about that. Just. This _once_ -”

“Yes!”

“Is something the matter?” Ignis asked from where he was cleaning up the cookware.

It's no-thing!” Prompto sang, waving a hand reassuringly. “Thank you thank you.” He smiled, immediately back in the conversation, and reached with grabby hands, but Noctis held his phone away, his fingers flicking to count up as he spoke.

“There's rules though! One: This is the only time.”

“Got it.”

“Two: As soon as we hit Lestallum, or we see a phone repair hut on the side of the road, or I figure out how to use a potion on it, you're getting your screen fixed.”

“Promise.”

“Three: Use a private tab, don't save anything, don't get me any viruses, don't break my screen, don't… get anything on it,” he mumbled the last part, squinting his eyes like it would avoid images popping into his mind. “Don't...”

Prompto grabbed it from him. “I got it, okay! I'm not doing anything weird, just a little...” He clicked his tongue and made a jerking gesture with his hand. Noctis groaned. “Thank you, you're a life saver Noct!” He leaned in like he was going to give a hug, but Noctis planted his hand firmly on the blonde's chest to keep him at arms-length.

“Okay, just _go_ already.”

Leaping from his seat, Prompto skirted toward the edge of camp. “You're the best, I'll be right back!”

“And don't get it bitten off by a monster,” Noctis quietly added when he was out of earshot.

Ignis came over and raised an eyebrow at the sound of Prompto's shoes scrambling down the side of the rock. “Is he alright?” He moved the chair a respectful foot or two away from Noctis, who crossed his arms, before taking a seat.

“He's just going to take a leak.”

Ignis nodded, sagely.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, lemme get that, Iggy.” Gladio reached for the shopping bag, but Ignis held it back.

“It's not heavy, thank you.” In fact, he pulled it up against his chest, so it was even more protected from grasping fingers.

“Suit yourself,” Gladio said with a shrug, just holding the bag of cooking supplies he'd been told to pick up. “Did you find what you were looking for?”

“Unfortunately, it was not in stock.”

Gladio raised an eyebrow, looking at the bag he was holding. “You're not usually the one to blow money on other stuff.” He raised up slightly on his toes, to attempt looking inside.

“It's nothing,” Ignis insisted, turning away, “And here they are. Not a moment too late.”

“Heyy,” Prompto yelled, waving to the two of them. He held up his phone in the air like a discovered treasure. “My phone's fixed!”

“You'll break it again waving it around like that,” Noctis mumbled to him, brushing his sticky hair out of his sweaty face. The heat in Lestallum was leaving him looking less than royal.

“Nah, I'm gonna be totally careful from now on,” Prompto affirmed, immediately before his boot hit an uneven cobblestone, and he stumbled, fumbling his phone—“Oops!” Noctis grabbed his arm to catch him, and Prompto grinned, standing upright. “Dude, kidding.”

Noctis lightly punched him in the arm and sighed dramatically. “I'm ready to hit the road. This place sucks.”

Two of the residents of Lestallum were passing and both shot him nasty looks. “Careful Noct, any woman in this town could fold you in half two times over,” Gladio noted.

“Yeah, well, as long as when she was doing it there was a breeze, I wouldn't care.” Noctis huffed, like he could expel all the heat in his body if he tried hard enough. “Let's get going.”

Ignis turned his hand to look at his wristwatch. “Shall we have lunch first?”

“Do we need to take any of this stuff back to the car?” Gladio asked. “Maybe whatever's in your mystery bag?”

“What? Mystery bag?” Prompto slipped next to Ignis, and _really_ went on his toes to try and see inside. “What'd you get?” Even Noctis looked interested.

Ignis forced out a sigh. “Well it seems I can't get away with anything. The groceries will be fine for a while longer. We'll have lunch, I'll reveal all, and then we will set off. Is that acceptable, Noct?”

“Yeah, sure.” Noctis was doing his best to stand in the shadow Gladio was casting.

Their meals were devoured as soon as they arrived, all four partaking in multiple glasses of water that left condensation rings on the table. “Ahh, that was great!” Prompto leaned back in his chair, stretching. All the sun exposure was making his freckles stand out.

On the other hand, Noctis had slowly shifted his chair throughout lunch to remain hidden under the shade the umbrella provided, and was now awkwardly close to Ignis. He downed the last of his water, and cautiously tilted the glass to get a little bit of ice into his mouth. Instead most of it went in, and he spit it back into his glass with a shudder. “Ugh, ice on your teeth is the _worst_ ,” he grumbled.

“Positively regal,” Ignis commented. “Are we all ready to go?”

“Nope, you're not tricking us,” Gladio said, crossing his arms as he also sucked up the sunshine, “What'd you get at that bookstore?”

“Oh, right!” Prompto's chair clattered as he dropped forward, letting all four legs touch the ground again. “It's presents, isn't it? Even if it's cookbooks, you're cooking the food for us, so it's presents.”

“Well, they didn't have the one I was looking for, so I thought I'd do us all a favor and purchase a few books,” Ignis said, leaning to the side to pick up the bag and place it on his lap, “We all use our phones too frequently on this trip-” Prompto moaned “-and it would be nice if we all had some personal entertainment that _isn't_ King's Knight.”

“Ugh, well as long as mine's a manga~” Prompto sang.

“It's not,” Ignis said, with a smile, and handed the paperback over. “It's an adventure story.”

Prompto looked at the cover. “Really? It looks...”

“It's about a man and his chocobo on a journey. I believe there are pirates as well.”

“I guess it sounds okay.” He started skimming the back.

“Here you are, Gladio.” This book was hardcover, heavy, and plain.

“You found volume 8? Thanks Iggy, I've been dying for this one,” Gladio grinned, opening the cover and flipping a few pages in. “Love that old book smell.”

“It stinks,” Noctis said with a frown.

“And for you, Noct...” It was two volumes of a manga he followed.

“Great, thanks Ig.”

“Hey!” Prompto protested.

“You can borrow them later!” Noctis insisted, because Prompto already abandoned his book on the table and was reaching for his.

“Now, let's be off.” Ignis said over their argument.

“Wait, don't tell me you didn't get anything for yourself.” Gladio tilted his head, closing the book. “Even if you drive most of the time, you deserve something.”

“Since you asked...” Ignis pulled the last book halfway out of the bag so the title could be seen.

“Oh… car repair?”

“In case we—”

“Get caught out on the road. I get it.” Gladio sighed. “How sensible of you. Thought maybe you'd take the opportunity to do something for yourself, you know, for fun.”

Ignis shrugged. “I'm no one but myself. I've read plenty of books for leisure, when I was younger, and I'd fear mutiny if I purchased a book on tape. _Now_ , can we get on the road?”

Everyone stood, Ignis the only one polite enough to remember to push his chair in, and made their way towards where the car was parked. Prompto tucked his book under his arm, still trying to pester Noctis into letting him read his comics first. Gladio carried his in his free hand like a precious item, groceries in the other. Ignis followed after leaving a tip for their lunch, briefly smiling. It had been a lot of work, but he'd thrown off the scent from the additional item he'd purchased, a magazine hiding behind the car repair manual.

 _Amore! Men_ , featuring oiled, muscular men, oftentimes in discarded armor from old wars, laying in sand and surf, or draped in fabric, or draped on each other. It was printed in Altissia and supposedly artistic, but mostly featured many choice nudes.

And it was all his, to ferret away for very personal use.

 

* * *

 

Noctis and Prompto laid on one of the beds in the motel room, tapping at their phones. Ignis was out buying something from the shop, and the only noise was the dulled sound of Gladio's shower running behind closed door.

“Yes!” Prompto suddenly squawked, pumping his arms in the air, while Noctis's collapsed to hide his phone against his chest.

“Damnit.”

“And I'm the victor,” grinned Prompto, sitting up and looking over, “Say it Noct.”

Noctis rolled onto his side, toward the wall. “You get the most practice.”

“Don't be a sore loser.”

“I'm not,” was mumbled into the pillow in response. “I'm gonna take a nap.”

Prompto heaved a sigh. “Gladio takes really long showers, huh. I mean, for a dude like him, you'd think they'd be… military style. Three minutes, in and out, you know?”

“Maybe he leaves in his conditioner for a really long time.”

“No way does he use conditioner. In fact, I bet he lets shampoo run down his body and then uses it as soap. Hmm.” Prompto tapped his lip. “Maybe he performs like, an entire album in there.”

“What? I've never heard him sing in the shower.”

“He just lip-synchs. C'mon Noct, work with me!”

Noctis rolled back, and then sat up after a moment. “Umm, maybe he...” He was silent for a while longer. “I don't know. I guess it could be…” He seemed to think of something, then frowned and shook his head. “Nothing. He just likes showers.”

“How imaginative!” Prompto stuck out a pouty lip. “Maybe it just takes that long to meticulously shave every chest hair he grows.”

“That wouldn't take that long.”

“Maybe he plucks them.”

Noctis made a face. “Ouch. He just enjoys being wet?”

Prompto snorted. “Oh yeah, gettin' wet in the shower, huh?”

“Not like that, why are you so _gross_?” If he wasn't comfortable sitting against his pillow, he would've smacked his friend with it. “Talk about a one-track mind.”

“Dude, I don't talk about it that much, you set it up! Plus, I bet he never has to.” He licked his lips dryly. “He's always getting some in Lestallum. Guess it's just girls in Insomnia that like us pretty boys.”

“As if you're a pretty boy. And what, when is he 'getting some'?” Noctis laughed.

Prompto's head turned to look at him. “Seriously, you never notice? He's always going out late man, and coming back later. With lame excuses.”

“He's training, or going for a walk, or getting food, or hitting a bar, or getting _air_ —”

“Chyeah,” Prompto huffed, incredulously, “Getting **sex** air—”

Noctis halfheartedly shoved him. “Stop being such a creep.”

Promto laughed, and slid down, laying his phone on his stomach. “Must be nice being a big, buff, beefy manly man. Though the women in Lestallum aren't really my type.”

“Yeah, you only like the 'out of your league' type.”

“Ouch.” His hand moved to lay on his heart. “You wound me. What about Iggy? What d'you think he's into?”

Noctis shot him a flat look. “I don't think about that stuff.”

“You've known him for a long time, it's normal to come up eventually.”

Noctis frowned and looked upward, like he might remember something. “Well, once...” He stopped. “I shouldn't tell you this stuff, I dunno how you're going to react.”

“Man, if you say it like _that_ , my brain's gonna make up something way worse.”

“Well...” Noctis frowned. “I thought he might be gay, or bi, maybe...”

“Woah. My mind's blown… at your stereotyping.” Prompto tsked.

“Hey, it's not like, because he's neat and good at cooking or anything. Just, I dunno, the way he acts… acted around some of the soldiers at home… mostly just this one time, he... Jeez, you're the one who insisted, this conversation's too embarrassing.” He wriggled to lay down and closed his eyes. “I'm serious about that nap now.”

“There's only one left man, come on.”

Noctis's eyes opened, and he sighed. “Who?”

“The most important member of our crew! You, obviously.”

Noctis's cheeks marginally reddened. “Uh, Luna, I guess. Right?”

“Don't ask me! Come onnn man, telling me isn't like, cheating or something. I mean, she's like, really, really pretty,” Noctis shot him a look, “But other than that! Your kinda girl… or guy you know, that's cool, I get it's an arranged thing...”

Noctis shook his head, hair making a weird sound against the pillow. “I'm not telling you my _type_ —!”

Typically, Ignis opened the door just before the last word. A small smile quirked onto his face as he shut the door behind him, bags rustling in his hands. “Types of what?” he asked, definitely noting how Noctis and Prompto had instantly shut up.

“Nothing, just uh, talking about… blood types…?” Prompto suggested. Noctis rolled his eyes.

“Oh, really? How interesting.” Ignis started unpacking the shopping.

“Yeah, I don't know mine, so it's not much of a conversation, y'know?” Prompto laughed, picking up his phone to stare at it. “Oh well, I think Noct was about to snooze anyway.”

“Mmyeah,” Noctis mumbled, flipping totally onto his stomach this time so he could disengage from any further discussion.

The door to the bathroom opened, and Gladio emerged, rubbing his head with a towel. “Hey, Noc...” He surveyed the situation and lowered his voice a litle, draping the towel over his bared shoulder. “Hey Iggy, do you know if we're heading to Lestallum anytime soon?”

Prompto tried to cover his laugh by pressing his phone's screen against his mouth, and Noctis snorted into his pillow.

 

* * *

 

The blaring of an alarm roused Ignis instantly. He sat straight up, hand creeping under his pillow to grab the knife he kept for emergencies, ready to defend against… nothing. Other than the very annoying alarm, silence. The cold air soaked right through his shirt, and his face felt frigid already with the hateful chill of pre-dawn air.

Prompto grumbled and groaned, eyes closed as his hand groped blindly for his phone. Ignis turned the alarm off for him, and glanced at the time. It was an hour and a half earlier than they normally woke up.

“Sorry,” Prompto whispered raspily, definitely not awake. In fact, he seemed to burrow further into his sleeping bag.

“What the _shit_ ,” Gladio rumbled, voice husky.

Noctis didn't even stir.

“Prompto,” Ignis said quietly, throat scratchy, “Was there a reason you set this alarm?” Usually he was the one who set it (as the responsible one) if any schedule change was necessary. He was also the one who usually woke up the sleeping monster known as Noctis.

“Nope...” Prompto said, breathily, like he was falling back to sleep.

Ignis sighed and shook his shoulder slightly. “Are you certain?” he asked.

“Um...”

“There'd better be a good reason, or you're gettin' up to _train_ ,” Gladio growled, sitting up as well. Much like Ignis, he was easily woken, but getting to sleep afterward was practically impossible. He reached over to turn on the lantern they kept inside, illuminating the tent. Ignis squinted and retrieved his glasses before anyone moved around too much.

Noctis finally rolled over, facing away from the light, remaining entirely asleep.

“Mannn,” Prompto grouched, stretching partially out of his sleeping bag before retracting like a turtle, “It's _so_. _Cold_.” He shivered, possibly for effect and possibly for real.

“Alright, training it is,” Gladio said, reaching over Ignis like he was going to throw Prompto outside.

“Noooo, stop Gladdy,” Prompto whined, sitting up fully. He rubbed his face. At least he looked tired, Ignis thought (vindictively). “I forgot… sorry, I wanted to go grab a photo-” he paused to yawn, and Ignis failed to fight the urge to copy, and did as well “-like, right as the sun came up. So I need to get there before dawn. Noct's coming too.”

Noctis seemed like an unmovable obstacle at this point. Ignis just frowned. “I wish you'd said something.”

“I'm sorry Iggy! It was last minute.” He yawned again and Ignis reciprocated again (to his annoyance). “I'll get him up, okay?”

“Next time you do this, your ass is running laps with me until you can't move,” Gladio threatened as he unzipped the tent flap. His breath created fog as soon as he was exposed. “It's so _hot_ during the day, how can it be like this now?” He crawled out, and held up the lantern. Ignis followed, shuddering as his body plunged into the still nighttime air. It was before dawn, and the sky had a strange look to it he wasn't very familiar with. The fire had completely died, but the symbols at the campsite glowed enough to let them see.

“I'll start breakfast,” Ignis said, his teeth chattering as he moved to retrieve supplies. Gladio began his stretches, and they both listened for Prompto attempting to wake up Noctis. It started with the cajoling, the gentle reminders they'd made plans once Noctis seemed to gain a modicum of consciousness. Then the persuading with shoulder pushing, then the last ditch effort, the sound of Noctis's sleeping bag being unceremoniously unzipped, thrown open, and Prompto's yelp of apology before he skittered out of the tent.

He sat in one of the camping chairs nearest the burner Ignis had lit up while he waited, rubbing his arms and blowing hot air into his hands on occasion. A few minutes later, Noctis emerged, dressed, with his biggest jacket on his shoulders and a very grumpy expression on his face.

Noctis traded places with Prompto, who rushed in to put on something warm. He grunted in response to Ignis and Gladio's careful morning greetings, and almost nodded off despite Prompto taking moments to change.

“I promise Noct, _this_ will be _so_ worth it!” Prompto pleaded as he exited the tent, wearing a real jacket for once.

Noctis glared at him, but stood up to go along.

“I'll come too,” Gladio added, pulling on his jacket, “Just in case.” It was still night enough for daemons to make an appearance, and Ignis nodded to him in appreciation.

“Breakfast should be done by the time you return.” He was making porridge, the best warming breakfast he could think of with a sleep-addled brain. “I'll start breaking down camp in the meantime.”

“Thanks, Iggy,” Gladio said, turning on his pocket light.

“Yeah, thanks,” Prompto added. At least he sounded sorry.

Ignis watched their lights fade into the forest. He retrieved their biggest pot, added all the ingredients needed, and set it to simmer. An early start was better than later, he supposed, and he pulled the tent flap all the way down to access everything. He pulled up Gladio's sleeping bag first, the warmth already faded, and rolled it up. The book he'd been reading was placed on one of their camping chairs.

His own was rolled, the dream of sleep lost for the day. Before he got too much further, he changed his clothes, to try and gain some warmth if possible. Prompto's sleeping bag was next, and Ignis sighed seeing that his phone had ended up underneath it. Hopefully he remembered his real camera, or this entire endeavor would be a disaster.

The phone went onto another camping chair. He went to retrieve Noctis's sleeping bag, but picked up the book that was placed next to where his head had been first. It was the manga he'd bought for him earlier. He'd already finished both books once, so apparently he was rereading them now that Prompto had his turn. As he moved it, the bookmark fell out, and he reached for it. He put it aside, trying to skim the book for any sign of where Noctis had stopped.

It naturally flipped open at some point, and he paused. He'd never actually inspected the content of this story, because it wasn't his place to dictate the media Noctis did or didn't consume.

This, however, was making him wonder. One of the main characters seemed to be half snake, half woman. She was scantily clad, and posed sexually in every situation, even when she was having a regular conversation, or thinking to herself. Casting a spell, her breasts heaved forward, and he flipped forward a few pages, to see her snake half wrapped around another well-endowed woman. It was vaguely concerning, the sexual content of this comic, but Noctis wasn't a child and could read what he wanted.

Then again, this comic _had_ been published since Noctis was fairly young. It hadn't seemed to influence his attitude, thankfully. Who knew why he read it anyway? Ignis would give him the benefit of the doubt at this moment; maybe he even hated this character considering his childhood history.

Ignis picked up the first volume, which had accidentally been half hidden under Noctis's sleeping bag. He rifled though the pages, noting it contained this snake woman's origin story. Her mother had been transported to another world, and her father was a monster...

He realized he'd started to read the story. It wasn't as though he was above comic books, but he wasn't going to become invested in something this caliber either. Flicking a few more pages, she was meeting the other characters… a couple more, the binding glue had been over-applied and he unstuck the pages.

And immediately snorted derisively about the full page spread he saw. She was basically nude now, nipples barely hidden, in an exaggerated pose that somehow showed her front and back at the same time. How could a snake woman even have a posterior worth ogling? Not only that, she was eating some phallic fantasy food, and dripping what, sweat? It was ridiculous. How an adult artist could draw this, aiming it at teenage boys, and manage to secure a market of men of all ages was beyond him.

Except now that he looked properly, it clearly wasn't binding glue that had been sticking the pages.

Ignis dropped it with the realization.

“Oh, Noct,” he sighed.

 

* * *

 

"Well, I'm off to take my nightly stroll. Would any of you care to join me?" Ardyn smiled generously at his four companions, sitting on bunks across from each other. Stony expressions met him all around. "No? I'll return shortly."

The door barely closed before Prompto groaned, slapping his hands to his head. "Ughh, what a creep! I hope he nightly strolls right into a daemon's mouth, seriously."

"He's the worst," Noctis agreed, "I get the nastiest feeling around him."

Ignis nodded. His lips were drawn tight. "I'm not certain why he's helping us. Obviously it's to his own benefit, but I don't know his intentions."

Gladio snorted, shifting on his small bunk. "Obvious is right. Don't really have other options, though."

"Yeah..." Noctis sighed. "Honestly, why's he staying with us? It makes me nervous, like, what if he does something while we're sleeping?"

"Does what? Like what?" Prompto nervously asked. "Dude, do you think he's gonna watch us sleep? Did we ever consider he's just a pervert?"

"I doubt he's 'just' a pervert, though he may be one in addition to... whatever it is he's intending," Ignis surmised.

"Ugh, he's probably gonna... you know. While we sleep." Prompto rubbed his arms.

"No, I don't know." Noctis sniffed.

"Yeah you do!"

"Man, you are obsessed with talking about that."

Prompto held up two fingers. "Twice. Twice is not obsessed."

"Well this is three times, and yeah, it is, because it's a weird thing to talk about, and you remembered the exact number, which, again, is weird."

Gladio perked up. "Talk about what?"

Ignis smiled slyly. "Oh, have we been missing your youthful discussions of carnal pleasures?"

“How did you figure that out from what we just said?” Noctis asked, to no answer.

Gladio laughed. "What, really? You deciding to become a man, Prompto?"

Prompto stuck out his tongue in response. "I'm already a man, thank you."

"Sure you are." Gladio's smile was evident in his tone. "At least Noct has the decency to be honest about it."

"It's not like I had any other choice. My options were kinda limited being constantly guarded and betrothed and all."

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about, Noct," Ignis assured him.

Noctis rolled his eyes. "That we're talking about it at all is the embarrassing part..."

"It won't be too much longer for you now!" Prompto made a mock crying noise. "Our little prince, all grown up!" He paused, thinking for a second. "Wait, dude, did your dad tell you about sex and stuff? The king? Woah, that's crazy to think about."

Noctis's face turned red. "It's none of your business, okay? Who taught you to 'choke the chocobo'?"

"Hey!" Promto exclaimed, while Gladio burst out laughing and Ignis snorted to himself.

"Is that what you call it?" Gladio teased, "Man, considering how much you like chocobos, that takes on a whole new meaning..."

Promto's flush made his freckles stand out. "It was a joke!"

"Pf, there's a hundred worse than _that_ ," Gladio mused, "You guys should hear how soldiers talk, if you think that's dirty. Mashing the moogle. Pumping the daemon. Squeezing the spineless cactuar..."

"Gross. Those sound dumb, not dirty," Prompto pointed out.

"Yeah, okay, they're kinda supposed to make you laugh," Gladio pointed back, "As if 'choke the chocobo' is some kind of high art."

Ignis perked up. "Gladio, do you remember the story that armorer used to tell? The... malb—"

"Who could forget that?" Noctis raised his eyebrows in a question, and Gladio grinned. "He called a part of a girl he dated "The Marlboro." Use your imagination."

"Yuck," Noctis frowned

Prompto made a face. "Let's go back to bad metaphors, please."

"Penetrate the demon wall," Ignis supplied.

"You just made that up, right?" Noctis half pleaded.

"Exploring the dungeon after dark," Prompto suggested, spreading his fingers out like it was a magic spell.

"Mug the moomba," Gladio laughed.

"What's a moomba?" Noctis and Prompto asked at the same time.

"Nevermind," Gladio replied, waving his hand dismissively, "Activate the Armiger."

“Way too specific,” Noctis said. “That's like… I dunno, 'servicing the Regalia'.”

“Flick the flan,” Ignis said quietly. He received a pair of confused looks. “Women do it as well.”

“But not like, really,” Prompto asked.

“Oh, to be so young and naive,” Gladio smirked, “Cast some white magic. Doink the tonberry. Anger the spitting adamantoise.”

“Stroke the big horn. Exercise your evil eye.” Ignis recited as if they were medical terms.

“You guys know way too many of these. Let me try to make one,” Noctis said. He frowned thoughtfully. “Uh… jerk the cockatrice?” he lamely continued.

Applause began before anyone could react and tell him how lame that was. “Excellent, how fun,” Ardyn said, having reentered the camper unnoticed, “A bunch of friends discussing dirty phrases. Back in my day, being flippant was popular, though today it might be a bit too irreverent.” He smiled. “Wrangle the Ramuh, irritate the Ifrit… ah, my favorite, glaze the Glacian—”

“You know what! I'm gonna go sleep in the Regalia actually,” Prompto announced, slipping off the bunk.

Noctis grabbed the back of his friend's shirt and hoisted himself up. “Uh, not without me you're not!” They both shied past Ardyn without looking him in the face, and once the door closed, the sound of bickering could be heard.

“Cowards. ...Well, you know Iggy,” Gladiolus said with a grim smile, “We really have to be out there with them.”

“Yes, in case of emergency,” Ignis backed him up, standing and striding swiftly for the door, with his and Noctis's bag in tow. Gladio followed, grabbing Prompto's as he went.

Ardyn sighed as the door closed. He noticed something on the bunk, and picked it up. It was a phone, and though he'd rather have never learned to use the things, he pressed buttons on the sides until the screen flicked on. The picture on the background was of the blonde one with a chocobo, and he smiled wryly at the image. How sweet.

Sliding up on the screen only opened the password entry, however. He tapped a few numbers, unsuccessful, his lips grimly pursed. He was utterly defeated, and sat on the bed. There was nothing to do with it, in this circumstance, which was unfortunate.

“Oh, oops,” he said to himself, dropping it onto the floor, and slamming his heel down onto it. The screen shattered, and he kicked it towards the door so its destruction could be blamed on anyone (though he doubted they would follow up on any accusations), plastic bits scattering around the camper. “How clumsy of me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the two people who read this beforehand (one of which foolishly encouraged this horror show), offered little to no edits despite it needing a lot, and suggested FF related euphemisms. I will not drag their names through the mud, but I salute them with a hairy palmed hand.


End file.
